By Fruitbunnii 06/05/24
You probably want to know the nitty-gritty. My actual experiences, the money I made, how my family reacted, the details of my customers, but most of all (and always the most important for those who haven't done sex work), is hearing about my 'bad experiences'. I'm going to have to disappoint you by saying, I personally don't care to write about it. Not because I'm ashamed, and not because I'm afraid of backlash or what people think, but because you will never understand the life and experiences of a sex worker, unless you are one, or have been one. In my future blogs, I'll write about it, but only when I think the world and the teeny tiny about of people that is actually reading this, is ready for my truth.
This blog is about my thoughts on sex work, and my reintegration to society. If you want to read about a success story, one that begins with a sad woman who fell into sex work out of desperation, and blissfully saved by a man - I'm sorry, but this blog might be somewhat of a culture shock to you. Because that is not my story, and that is not the story of many sex worker's in Australia. Whatever preconceived notions you have about sex work, I'm here to open your mind and totally fuck up any and all perceptions you have.
My thoughts on sex work? Sex work is the ultimate feminist independent woman job. Periodt.
Are you ready for my next statement? You get everything you want. And I'm not talking about money, or online validation. You gain something you never expected to gain, when you start sex work. Resilience, independence, glowing self-confidence, hyper self-awareness, and my personal favourite, the journey of learning about yourself. Who you are, your identity. You find alternative ways to self-express, and through that you find
yourself. You have the time, the open-mind to allow yourself to continue to grow and change and change as many times as you like, until you find yourself being someone you never thought you would be. The person you were truly meant to be. And it all has NOTHING to do with the physical work itself. Nothing to do with interacting with your clients, or performing sexual acts on camera. It's the in-between. The grind, the hustle, the makeup, the clothes, the travel, the art you create, it's the people and the connections. It all builds up and you are able to push outwards and push your boundaries (not boundary pushing with customers, as that's a big no no, but the boundaries of society, the one that says a woman must remain forever young, innocent, and submissive). You can deny everything you were taught, or accept it all. It doesn't matter - because it is your journey. Your decisions. Your identity, your time, and your LIFE.
I am not writing to romanticise sex work, or encourage young women to jump into the work. If you are reading this and sex work now sounds enticing to you, please message me first before diving into a world you don't understand. Readers- this is the only time sex work is dangerous. When you are new, and when the men know it. It's not all diamonds and jewels. There is SO much to learn before you can fully feel safe, fully feel all the benefits of what I wrote above. But that is my statement to anyone who asks me about my experience with sex work. I have no attachments to the clients or the physical work itself. That's another discussion. But this blog, I am writing to tell you what I think about sex work. My takeaway from it. And I'll tell you again, as would many sex workers, sex work is empowering and is the ultimate independent female job.
This week I started a poll in a secret online sex worker community that I host, the poll question was titled 'do you find sex work empowering?'. A total of 260 sex workers voted over two polls. 72.5% sex workers voted YES and 27.5% of sex workers voted NO.
In my next blog, I'll cover these results in more detail (evidence of the poll) as well as quoting other sex workers anonymous thoughts and experiences, relating to the poll question. But I'm betting that you cannot comprehend how a job that is so 'exploitative' could EVER be empowering, let alone provide this statistic - straight from the horses mouth. And that's okay, that is why I am writing this pre-entry to my experience.
Before I started sex work in my late 20s, I worked many 'vanilla' jobs (vanilla, meaning a non sex worker life), I worked as a qualified personal trainer, group fitness instructor and assistant gym manager. I've worked in 2 different retail jobs, both of which I was offered manager training. And let me tell you, they were the most demeaning, degrading, and soul hurting jobs. These jobs crushed my spirit, hurt my body, and made me feel so un-important. (Except for group fitness instructing, that was fabulous. But demanding in many other ways, but I'll save that for another blog).
I think of Dolly Parton's song '9 to 5'.... "Barely gettin' by, it's all takin' and no givin". You would probably assume this quote is the definition of sex work, but listen again. "They just use your mind", Dolly sings. "They let you dream just to watch em' shatter, you're just a step on the boss-man's ladder". You have dreams, and day by, they do take them away.
In sex work, I learned a self-confidence I never thought I would have. And that's coming from someone with body dysmorphia and Borderline Personality Disorder (a disorder that is majorly based around having a lack of self-worth). I found a community like no other. A community filled with feminists, lesbian's, gay's, tran's, bi's, and non-binaries. And maybe you don't support them or understand them, but for me, it's easy to understand why sex work is attractive to these communities. Because they are willing to challenge the status quo, simply by existing or speaking their mind. I have been part of many online communities, but the sex work community? Is one of trust, utter support, and lived shared experiences. And still to this day, now an ex-sex worker of 2 years, no one but sex workers, understands why I'll never say "I regret doing sex work".
Reintegrating into society:
I am not an ex-sex worker success story. I have fibromyalgia, a chronic pain condition I have lived with for 8 years now, thanks Veganism! The pain was also part of the reason I started sex work in the first place. Working for people who didn't value me, for shit pay, and increasing that pain, each day I worked? Why? I was only diagnosed with fibromyalgia a year ago. My body was declining every day I worked, to the point where on two occasions I collapsed on the floor during retail shifts. I had to sit down for an hour, losing pay and angering my boss and work mates. And I had no idea why I had this pain, and if there was any cure (there is no cure, but I'm still on this fibromyalgia healing journey, so I'll blog about that later, too). But, you can see why I started sex work. Working from home, at my own pace, for good pay. I was applying for disability and NDIS before I decided to try sex work.
I'll be honest when I say, it's been hard to find the drive to work a vanilla job again. For crap pay, and to work jobs that cause immense pain flare ups... I'd rather be poor and jobless. Luckily though, by the time I decided to quit sex work, I had fabulous savings despite the mighty taxes I paid on my ABN (yes, sex workers pay taxes, and probably more than you), and my online vintage clothing store via Depop (@PoisonousLadies on Depop & Instagram), had taken off to the equivalent of a casual to full-time job. And, I'm extremely money savvy. So, being self-sustaining wasn't an issue. I choose not to slave away in a job that crushes my soul, and brings me unbearable, crippling pain, to focus my energy on my other passions.
I don't have much to say about the reintegration to a non-sex worker life, at least things I'm not willing to share at this point in time. But I will say, it has been a challenge. To see the world as a 'civilian' again, (civilian, a term also used by sex workers to highlight the lifestyle, community, and segregation differences between a non-sex worker and a sex worker). It's hard to go from seeing the world, seeing men and women, as your community again. Knowing full-well, their life experience and worldly views, will never relate to me. My work history challenges people's perceptions of me. I'm okay with that, being the elephant in the room, the one that did that work. I mean, obviously I wasn't always a sex worker. And I really was only a sex worker for just under 4 years. But that short amount of time changes your worldly view. It changes how you see men. It changes how you see the roles forced on women, that I feel I am now being expected to participate in again. You have to dress to please the world in order to fit in. Speaking to other ex-sex workers, many say the same thing. When you leave sex work, your identity has been stripped bare, and you have to start again. All that inner work, all that you discovered and knew about yourself, gone. As well as your community, your sense of humour. I have a secret sex worker meme page (where I hosted the sex work empowerment poll). My page was dedicated to advocating for sex worker rights and making memes that only sex workers would understand. This secret group is still active with over 7,000 followers. The humour and joy I found from the ironies and struggles of sex work, was a form of dark humour that only the sex worker community would find funny as fuck. An inside joke, but to civilian's... It's offensive, degrading, an example of how sex workers are being exploited.
Now, nearly 2 and a half years later of no longer doing sex work, I'm still trying to rediscover myself. I'm still trying to reintegrate, whilst also holding onto the passions and joys I found on my sex worker journey. It's hard to compare, a 'vanilla' life, to being your own boss bitch with an army of women behind you and supporting you. To going back to the trivial problems of the world, the pressures and demands. I don't think I'll ever fully integrate into society again. And I'm glad for it, because the outlook on life and mindset I had, was a gift. I just hope, one day soon, I can carry the lessons, values and attributes gained doing sex work, into the real world.
Fruitbunnii